subahibi - 12/21/24

oh my god i finished rereading subahibi just now after putting off rereading it since i first read it in 2022, and oumajgaddddddd this is actually one of the best vns ive EVER read still... i really didn't appreciate it enough in 2022 so my mouth is kinda just hanging open by how blown away i am and im shaking a bit... the themes were extremely inspirational, i like the philosophy talk and think its interesting, i really like the characters (especially my wife ayana), i love the character designs, the overall messages it gives is incredibly amazing and i really like how the author, sca-ji, inserts so much of his thoughts and opinions into the work directly and its just so awesome... my favorite character is ayana and its been her for quite a while, but after rereading, my love for her as a character has amplified ... wow........................... and to contrast suba ayana with tsuire ayana, i think both of them are very very good and interesting but tsuire ayana is explored more, however that doesn't mean i will like suba ayana less of course. i am definitely going to cosplay ayana to anime boston, muahaha... and will make a subahibi/tsuire shrine soon as well...!!! after finishing this vn again, i am so much more inspired and motivated...

anime boston - 12/20/24

i am very sorry this blog has been so suck recently lol... i want to stop venting so much when i try to think of stuff to write about. it's really cringe and i might purge the previous posts soon... anyways getting to what i was actually going to write about, i am going to go to anime boston next year, in may 2025. i think that this convention is really really good, and i like it a lot... i've been going every year since 2022. i would've been going much earlier but the pandemic happened unfortunately. i kind of wish i was able to experience pre-pandemic anime conventions, because the vibes seemed so much different before 2020. anime cons in general looked more genuine, and today there are many big conventions full of slop. but anime boston, in my opinion, isn't as bad as others. but take this with a grain of salt as the only anime con i've been to is anime boston lol. i've just heard from many others that cons like anime expo and anime nyc are full of slop sadly... yet anime boston feels realer if that makes sense. maybe i'm just looking at it with rose colored glasses since it's my local con. next year, i hope to cosplay koishi komeiji and ayana otonashi to it. one of my friends on twitter/discord is going to run an eroge panel, so i'm looking forward to that quite a bit...! additionally i am REALLY hoping i'll meet up with any online friend to walk around with because i don't have any irl friends that would be okay with me cosplaying from an eroge, probably... i mean i do have one peer at school that doesn't care about that kind of thing, however i think he is kind of annoying and we don't share any interests.

identity - 12/19/24

i have been struggling with how i should present myself for a very long time now. my tone of speech online and irl changes based on where i am.. it's not really consistent... and i am constantly wondering how i can be different, how i can fit in more, and i haven't been able to find an answer. i don't really like how much i mess up sometimes, often i just say whatever comes to my mind even if it comes off as super odd without realizing. as of recent, i've accepted how odd i am as a human being, and know that most people in my general wider internet circle would NOT like me for some things. example: i am very supportive of exploring immoral topics in fiction and such, even if its not platable to many. i also just don't like people who are too moral and don't focus on bigger issues, yeah just harass the person online who likes a ship or media you dont whatever thats So Normal (sarcasm). in general i think that if people focused on bigger issues in the world (climate change, genocide, evil ceos) instead of being keyboard warriors over stupid online issues (proshippers, like 2/3rds of lgbt discourse, what consenting adults do in the bedroom) then the world would be a better place LOL.... getting back to my point i think that although i struggle with trying to figure out what i really want to be and who i am, i am way more genuine than so many people on earth, and that comforts me a bit... so much of this society ESPECIALLY FELLOW AMERICANS are irony poisoned, no empathy, no skills no hobbies no passions, just watch tiktoks and reels all day, don't step out of their comfort zone, don't have literacy and sometimes cannot even read or write. i really hate being american sometimes because my country has failed so many people...

die die just die - 12/10/24

today, a bit after i got home from school, one of my sisters suddenly came home as well, bringing two of her friends with her. i immediately got weird looks and my sister was being really awkward around me, asking her friends to guess how old i was.... and they said 10 or 11...... i'm 18..... i wanted to kill myself.... my sister and her friends are the kinds of people to be really boring and basic, having interest only in lululemon/any basic band like that, girl sports, mainstream media, and monochrome clothing (not the cool kind, just extremely simple things).. and oftentimes these kinds of people are literally so mean to anyone who's different from them. this kind of thing is why i don't go to public school, why i don't go to any kind of social events that aren't for niche topics, why i barely have any irl friends, and straight up don't have any that i really connect with and share my interests. it's why i only get along with fellow weird people with idiosyncratic opinions and tastes. and i mean WEIRD... i really hate being autistic in general but i'd rather die than be like my sister who tries to fit in with extremely boring and awful kinds of copy pasted people. i think that the only people of value on this stupid awful earth are ones that have talents, are open minded, are unique, have something to bring to the table, aren't genuinely hateful towards people for things they can't control, stand out among others in a positive way. but unfortunately so many people on this earth are awful and will continue to be awful and will only influence others to be more awful. i'm sick of it and i don't want to see it i hate normal people and they suck

sewing process - 11/24/24

in preparation for making my koishi cosplay, i've been working on a collared capelet to practice... or at least trying to... i got a sewing machine for my birthday, cut out the pattern, and stitched it together, but my stitches are always extremely loose and/or tight and it doesn't look good, among other problems... i was trying to figure out the sewing machine for hours, trying everything, but couldn't do it.. i'll have to ask for more help today -_-

i barely have space in my room for many things anymore so i had to cut out the fabric on my bed...

my first blog post(not really) - 11/11/2024

i've been working on this new version of my website for 3 days straight now, and although i am writing this before my site is open again, i am very proud of the work i have accomplished thus far, i might even say the most recent pages have been my best web design work ever..!! unfortunately this cannot distract from how my life has been so sucks and i am very depressed, i wish i could talk about it in detail a bit but its all really personal stuff ...